THE SPACE BETWEEN

We are placed here either by divine will, chemical chance or some yet unknown event. In any case we are here, now, in this moment. We set about living in hopes we are doing the right things for ourselves. As time passes we understand that the things of the past are gone and we cannot get them back. Opportunities are lost, abilities are not realized, and now we see what could have been. What should have been. In our youth we saw only potential. ‘I’m going to be…’, ‘I want to do…’ it was all in the future. It was a future we knew was approaching, but seemed so far away as if it would never come. It came, and it went. Like a speeding car passing a hitchhiker, our lives approached the ‘Now’, and in an instant, passed it by with barely a notice. The pendulum swung, and now it is up hill all the way. What we accumulated during our youth is to be spent supporting the adult. All our gifts, our talents have been utilized to infuse this ‘adult’ life into a position of suspension and acceptance. Most of us did not realize our dreams, but settled for that which gave us support and comfort. A life that allowed us to keep our dignity, but settle for less.
Now that we know we missed our marks in life, and that we will never become any of the things we dreamed of becoming, how do we reconcile with our future? The future is still streaming through us in every moment. Could it be that our goals were the cause of these short comings? Were the dreams too grandiose? Were they beyond the scope of our breeding and station in life? Were they merely fantasies with no foundation of reality? Or, is the foundation of what we think we are the fantasy.
We live our lives in expectation of guidance. Someone will instruct us. They did. They instructed you not to accept yourself as you are. They instructed you to consider yourself not to be pure, good, or good enough. They infected you with a virus so deadly that without a cure you would be doomed to eternal suffering. The very ones who infected you, now offer ‘their’ vaccine to cure you. The vaccine can only be purchased if you were willing to confess your wretchedness and imperfections and accept another as your master. Only by accepting the master can you be cured from the eternal agony of the virus. Acceptance of the master is the only requirement for salvation.
Why is the first commandment that we should love God and worship him? Exodus 20:5 ‘Thou shalt not bow down thyself to them, nor serve them: for I the Lord thy God am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers upon the children unto the third and fourth generation for them that hate me.’
How can God be jealous? Who would God be jealous of? Why does he seem to need our support so much? Why is he worried we will not love him? He promises to punish our third and forth generations for hating him. Generations that were not even born during the offensive hating.
Expectation of guidance.

After returning from a Mormon mission in the early eighties, I became obsessed with discovering the truth about almost everything. I wanted to believe what I had been taught, and what I had been teaching as a missionary. I studied and pondered, until I came to the understanding that this search of mine was a journey not a destination.
I have continued to follow this path for almost 25 years. It has been very interesting and enlightening. I am no longer a Mormon, Christian, or believer of any kind. I have suspended my belief system to the best of my ability so as to not cloud my understanding when exploring new ideas. Of course total suspension of your belief system is an impossibility due to the fact that for most of us our early training and indoctrination has become an integral part of who we are. Like a computer hard drive, we have a foundation of what we were taught in our youth. We can learn conflicting information, but only if we can examine it using our existing hard ware. How do you explain color to person who was born blind? I have read that when Columbus discovered America the native Indians could not see his ships as they approached due to the fact that the natives had never experienced anything like that before. We all have a foundation with which we build upon. My method is to read and reason while keeping my eyes and mind open.
I wrote this poem for my mother when I returned from my mission. It is written for LDS people and references the sacred garments worn by Mormons. It was my attempt to meld the LDS religion and the born again Christian fervor of salvation through the atonement of Christ.

THE DEEP AND EVERLASTING SLEEP
Arise…arise; from the death like sleep thy soul has slumbered in for such a long time. It is time to wipe the sands of iniquity from thine eyes. Time to rise from the soft and luring bed of the world.
Pour the cleansing water of truth and light and wash away the dust of the past. Rinse thyself free from the stain of sin. Step from the silty waters of a life gone by. Let it float away, as a distant memory.
Cover thyself with the absorbing power of the atonement of Christ. Let him pull from thy soul the residue of the cleansing of thy sprit. Let him bare the burden of retention of thy sins, and go, go, and be anew again. Be Fresh. Fresh as a morning in spring time. Fresh as a new born child.
Reach into the closet of righteousness, and pull from it, the garments of power. Power to fight against the dark, power to see the light, power to give with charity, and to receive with humility. Power, to be a prince among men.
Having been covered with his forgiveness and mercy, bend thy knee. With broken heart, and tears upon thy cheeks, glorify him. The one who woke thee, from…

THE DEEP AND EVERLASTING SLEEP

SinJin Hall
December 1986